so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
