totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
