I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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