The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
