I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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