My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
