Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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