I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
