My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
