Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Use "feeling words"
Yay
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
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