allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize