I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
