someone threw a dead crab at me
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
