Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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