wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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