Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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