It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
