Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
