if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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