I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
