I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
