My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
