you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
