eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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