Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
two words: eviction party
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
