I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
