i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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