david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
