The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I would ride that face into the sunset
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