It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
