...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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