She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
