But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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