so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
