God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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