The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
