Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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