it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
