babies were throwing up all over the place
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
