You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
