Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
