you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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