i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
