I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
They have beer where we have blood.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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