I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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