Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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