I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
