I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
