there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
