I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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