Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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