I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
