Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
