sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
