So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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