...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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