lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
