he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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