my phone needs a breathalizer
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
