Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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