are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
