$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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