I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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